if you wanna play it like a game..

claudia grabed the knife that was sitting on the table next to her. it was just to much. maybe just one more cut. just one little push deeper. she needed to get rid of the pain, the hurt. she needed her escape, her rush. she couldnt handle it anymore. so much blood draining out of her. she just smiled and pushed in a little deeper. she could feel herself growing weak. all she wanted to do was slowly disapear into nothingness. just cease to exist. no one would care or notice. she glanced at the bedside table. staring at the picture of her face as she slowly blacked into nothingness.

Sarah slowly walked back to the house. she felt horrible after the huge fight with claudia that morning. she just was frustrated that claudia wouldnt except her help even though they loved each other. she walked down the hall hearing her loves music play softly in the background. she figured she had fallen asleep and she would just crawl into bed with her..

Sarah opened the door and screamed and fell to the floor. there was blood everywhere. a puddle forming down the side of the bed. she scrambled  up and rushed to claudias side. she felt the side of her neck and felt a faint heartbeat. she ran to the bathroom and grabbed a washcloth and pressed it against the cuts running down claudias arm. she had tears streaming down her face, sobbing she grabed the phone off the bedside table and dialed 911..

claudias eyes cracked open. the felt heavy and the light was just so bright. but she heard someone talking. "where am i", she though to herself, couldnt be dead. her eyes opened just a little bit more and she saw sarahs hair and felt her hand in hers. the long bandage creaping up the side a silent reminder of what had happed. "Sarah", it was weak and feeble. almost unaudible.."sarahhh." she tried again and attempted to move her hand. she jerked awake, sitting up quickly. her hair going everywhere. her eyes bewildered. a wonderful shade of green stared back at her before she was encased in arms.  tears were running down her eyes.

Sarah jerked awake to see claudias eyes open. she started feeling the tears run down her face as she quickly wraped her arms around claudia. she pulled her close and wispered that it will all be ok. i wont ever leave you again. i love you. you silly silly girl. all i ever did was love you.



a few months later:

sarah visited claudia every chance she could. the facility was wonderful about letting her see each other. things were looking up and claudia was suposed to come home with her that day. as she rounded the corner to her room she saw her looking out the window. with a big grin on her face as the sun shone through her hair.  im blessed to have my angel she though to herself before inching closer to yell suprise before wraping her arms around her.  she grabbed her and and said ready to leave. the quick nod from claudia was all she needed. she grabbed the bags from the bed in one hand and claudias outstreched hand in the other. she quickly kissed her before they wandered tward the front.


Claudia stared at the beautiful girl holding her hand and walking with her. smiling thinking that she was so glad she had been saved and got to spend the rest of her life with her. she signed her own name on the line at the desk. bidding a farewell to the nurse as she turned to face the world. as she got outside they started walking tward the car. she stopped but only for a second to look back and decided, never again. never again. she gripped sarahs hand tighter before they got to the car. as she was pulling away she smiled, thinking about all the things they could do now. she kept her eyes forward at the open road. never looking back..

lets take it from the top..

so. lifes been slowly getting better. i think. i might get a promotion. which i desperatly need. and i think i found a roommate today. not sure. so. thats intruqing. or however you spell that. my sleep habbits have gotten worse but that can be fixed to. my parents want me gone even more so than before so that stresses me out. its a big day today. so. wish me luck...hopefully i dont fall on my face...

Must we go there?

so this weeks kinda sucked so far alot. ive been so stressed over everything that i pretty much passed out at rehersal tonight. i feel like uck. and i still cant sleep at night. i dont like it. i just need to relax somehow, all the drama and everything just needs to dissapear for a while. that would be nice. lol. i cant exactly control how shit turns out anymore that i did before( which didnt happen very much in the first place)

well good news is my birthday is tomorrow. ill be older! lol...i already feel old. its also my first payday! hmm. yay for money. i need it with todays prices on life. ugh i feel like i should be able to buy myself a life. meh. i have no clue what im gonna do for my b-day anyways. besides drone away at work.  gah! someone just come remove my brain. hopefully it will get better...

well i need to go find sleep. help??

pretty soon you wont remember a thing..

Lilith grabbed her camera from the bag next to her as she snapped a shot of the robin perched nearby. She was ecstatic with the spot she had found exploring today. She had grabbed a picnic lunch and a water bottle, her camera bag and her coat and ventured out the door that morning. she felt like something amazing was going to happen! as she traveled farther into the woods on the trails she had found she came upon an old brick wall, or at least that's what she assumed it was.

She ventured closer, snapping a few shots here and there. it was a beautiful structure. she walked toward the end of the wall only to discover that it was there to protect the crumbling manor behind it. She discovered the house was stable but in a tad bit of disrepair. she ventured into the door way and was startled to find bits and pieces of old furniture sitting around. a chair, a bookshelf in the corner, papers scattered across the floor.The camera in her hands was pointed everywhere, capturing this old beauty. she wandered to the next room with a fireplace at one end and a mirror at the other. there was one lone, velvet covered, Victorian styled armchair was sitting in front of the fireplace. there was a rustling coming from the chair. she backed away thinking it might have been an animal and then ventured closer as she heard light humming....

she peered around the side of the tall chair to come across a girl with her headphones in drawing on a large sketch pad. Lilith jumped about 5 feet in the air and fell backwards, loosing her bag as rolls of film and memory cards flew into the air...

The girl jumped up and yelled and then after she got over the initial shock she asked if she was OK. Lilith shook her head yes and staggered to her feet, for a minuet she though she was going to find a dead body in the chair. she was relieved to instead find a gorgeous girl who was very much alive. the girl introduced herself as Chloe and Lilith introduced herself as well to the odd girl in front of her. Lilith felt and odd sort of deja vu. she then felt her heart speed up as she slowly took a longer look at the creature in front of her. she was beautiful and entrancing. Lilith felt dizzy with  thoughts of another time racing across her brain. she asked how Chloe had come across the house as well. Chloe stated she had just had a need to walk out the door with her art supplies that day. she felt like there was something wonderful about to happen that day. and she blushed and stated that it had.

Lilith blinked and grabbed the corner of the armchair as her world spun around til Chloe grabbed her arm and the world stopped spinning. she focused on the girls dark grey-blue eyes as they stared back into hers. Chloe leaned inward toward Lilith as Lilith leaned into Chloe. there lips meet and sparks flew.she felt like she was floating on air. she stumbled a little and went into Chloe's arms. she smiled as she glanced up at the girl who caught her. they grabbed hands and turned from the house. wandering out the doorway they glanced back, where would they head now. they turned to the path and walked as the leaves crunched beneath their toes as they walked toward the unknown.....

i wont be sorry at all...

the moonlight played across the water as she glanced out from the balcony, the music from the ballroom playing behind her. She wandered tward the steps to the gardens getting some air from all the dancing she had done for the night. she wanted a break as she couldnt stand all the snotty boys and there airs as they tried to seduce her with little presents and charming wit. she would rather be far away. they had never held much interest for her.

she wandered the path tward the roses and sat on the bench facing the beach, as the moonlight shone in her eyes and the salt water air stired her hair. she felt like a moon being. she wished that she could just find someone to trust. she startled as she heard the rustle of a gown and footsteps approaching. she turned and could see it was just her friend come to find her. as she felt the fabric brush against her as her friend sat she turned to look at her face and saw beauty that was beond all what a boy could ever hold. she held her hand as friends did and smiled at her as she hid her feelings wondering if they were natural at all.

they started talking of how stupid boys were and gosiipping on the girls in the ballroom behind them. the dance swirled in the windows behind them. never devuldging what was going on down below in the soft moonlight. they continued to talk and walked to the far side of the garden where the orchids were blooming. smelling wonderful she leaned in closer at the same time and came face to face with the girl. she startled a little but then her friend leaned in closer. there lips meet in a single second and i was like nothing had ever exsisted before it. they jumped appart knowing full well it was taboo, but they couldnt help at the leaps and bounds  there hidden feeling had grown. she grabbed her friends hand and they ran off to the shadows of the maze benieth the balcony where no one would see as she placed another kiss on her lips. they sat on the bench and held eachother. not wanting to let go.

as the night drew later they wandered back inside to there appropriate partys promising to meet up after it had ended..

she franticaly searched her room looking for anything they might need on the run. she couldnt leave her. just couldnt let her go. she was on her mind all the time. she grabbed all the dresses and every inch of fabric and jewels she owned and stuffed it into the trunk. she heard a soft knock at the door as the girl of her dreams oppened it. she rushed into her arms for a quick embrace before dragging the trunk out of the room.

she loaded the cairage with there trunks and she glanced behind at the home she was leaving. she placed her hand into hers and smiled. they would find a way to make it alright. the wheels turned as the carage pulled away and they retreated into the night..

close your eyes and make believe

      


  She gripped the side of the fence as she sat and kicked her legs back and forth. humming a tune with no known melody. smiling as the wind played with her hair. she was waiting for school to get out. she pulled from her pocket a keychain with a single picture holder on it. she grinned as she stared at the grainy picture. remembering the night that it was taken and how much fun she had with her. she gave a giggle and heard the school bell sound behind her as she paticently waited for her to show.

Trinity watched as she drug her feet along the sidewalk tward her. the days of mind numbing learning had been long and borring. trinity hopped off the fence while saying hello. she embraced the poor mind numbed girl in a sweet hug and pulled her chin up so she could look into her eyes.

the smile of relief that spread across the girls face was beautiful as trinity leaned in close to give a quick sweet kiss to the cherry red lips. they held hands as they wandered off to the car, escaping off into the day....

But that was not to be

Soooo...

do you ever.....


randomly wish you could be someone else, or feel like you just wanna take on a different persona just to throw off everyone and get them off your case about being who you are.

want to just tell people that they are wrong about you and they should just pay attention to there own problems

wish that drama would permanatly remove itself from your life so that your not the one stuck dealing with it for everyone else

wish for everything that you can find just that one person who finnally gets you and how if you do that they wont leave, but somehow it always seems to end in misery

wish heartbreak didnt exsist and you could get over past relashionships with no problems and move on to better things.

wish you had a shot of getting out of the hell youve been living in for so long but not having the means..

wish that the world would just smile, every last person.

want to find that cute furry animal and take it home to love it

fall for them

love life and how its going..


meh. idk. my brains on random tangents lately. which is why i wrote the story last night...and now this randomness.


my life is going complicatingly well. ive got a job and a sweet girl for me. and im happy. now if i get that appartment ill be even happier. but so far its been nice. i just wish somedays i could take all this negative energy everyone gets and make it reverse so they can all be happy. it would make it alot better here
gotta go deal with the fam. party later. yay!


loves, misery

i would die for you...

She slowly trudged along the sidewalk as the snow gently fell around her, brushing across her face as she pulled her coat closer to her. she smiled gently remembering how the night had gone. She remembered how her lips were warm even in winter air as they kissed.

They had meet a few weeks ago and she was slowly falling more for her. They would talk for hours and she was so happy that they finally could go out together that night. She remembered how they had agreed that she would pick her up so they could go the resaraunt so they could have a wonderful dinner and take a walk around downtown after so they could explore and get to know each other better.

She laughted at all the jokes over dinner and was releaved that they both got along so well. They clicked so wonderfully together and it felt almost like love at first sight. she had spent all afternoon getting ready, picking out something that looked cute and yet still appropriate for a first date. she was so nervous she almost canceled. Now she was so glad she hadnt. They enjoyed a nice dinner together before getting there coats on to go explore. She kept walking closer and closer together and soon she took her hand and as they interwined fingers it felt like they wernt even suposed to be apart it felt so right. she glanced over and noticed the smile playing across her lips. she vowed she would try to make her smile like that every day. She was so happy to be with her it was like walking on a cloud. They explored the city and it felt like it was all brand new as they discovered so much together. It was just warm enough it was nice to be outside. as they slowly paced up the sidewalk they were smiling and laughing the whole time. it was like there wasnt anything that could ruin the evening. she felt so alive walking next to her. as the night went on she couldnt stop thinking about how fast her heart was beating and how she really liked this girl. could it be love??

The weather turned colder as the sun set and as they finished walking aroud they got back to the car and drove her home. As she walked her to the door she was so excited she almost fell up the stairs, but caught herself at the last moment. they turned to say goodnight and she was suprised when she felt a pair of soft warm lips against hers kissing her goodnight. she blushed bright red and kissed back, while smiling the whole time. she stammered a goodbye before walking back tward the car......

but you dont have a clue...

So this weeks flown by. with my reversed sleep schedual its been reeking havoc on my bodys system but im surviving.im also sore from all the extra exersize ive been getting running for papers and stuff. anyways thats all good, as work continues im starting to get the routines down and its getting better and i like my job so i think ill stay! hopefully they like me too!

rehersal has been falling apart. i feel like im in the middle of a family fude war and i dont wanna be there. i want to fix everything and get shit done so we can put this damn play on. alot of people are making this about them and not focusing on the main goal and are gooffing off instead of trying to learn. its a pain. but im working on it. hopefully this weeks practices will be better. im begging for it to be

as my life gets better, my brain is falling apart. i feel like im going insane some days. its all falling apart in there nad im not sure what kind of resuce teem needs to opperate on it. but i think ill survive. i just need to get sleep i guess. things will continue to develope hopefully in a well natured manor and we can all funtion. my birthday is coming up in a week and im not sure what i want to do for it. i might go out, i might go out of town or i might just sit in my basement and watch movies..lol. who knows what this year will bring and another year of life. that should be fun since im right between the fun ages. meh. i think ill survive...or at least i hope so.

my mother is finally going to the head clinic this wensday, so thats disapointing on the fact that she probably wont be there for my birthday. the simple fact is shes getting the help she needs so we can have our mom back instead of the invalid we live with now. yay for getting better!!!

my music has been taking over my life lately and im glad of it. its been helping me pull through this rough time and id just like to thank it for exsiting. then again...well thats a fun story for another time... meh.

for some reason my life has decided that even though things are going great im gonna be depressed and have odd mood swings. i love my random body changes. probably just means i should learn to tame my insomnia and beat it into submision so i can function..lol...

as an update on that girl i mentioned earlier. things are going swimingly with her. shes been suporting me and that means alot to me. somedays im not sure what i would do without someone to help me sort through the mess in my head. though i feel bad burdening people with my problems. sooo...yeah bad guilty concious for me. but were going to a party and i want that to go well. it will be nice to just relax for a bit.


im greatful for the wonderful oppertunitys life has thrown my way lately and for all the new people ive meet and all the great places and things ive gotten to do.

now lets go out there and kick ass and get this shit done right!!! lol.

i know, random much, but you guys still love me some how.so keep up your wonderful selfs. thanks.


loves, Misery

i wont sing alone...

well. good news people! i finally have a job. i started yesterday and so far its been good. ive been furthering the statement that my brain has finally turned around and started to settle. HUZZAH!!! yay for good news...

its been a good past while. i took that girl i was tellling you about to meet my friends at the coffee place.shes amazing. they all got along wonderfully which was a wonderful thing for me. and it seems her rents like me too so thats even more of a plus.. not to mention the snuggle time was a bonus. well, who knows where that will continue to so im just taking one day at a time and liking it so far.

life seems to be flowing back into place. but i have to go get ready for work so ill type more later. wish me luck!

loves,

misery

this 4/4 beat...

so this week so far has been nice. i got to go visit my good friends and hang out with them. we had a blast hot tubbing and chilling. it was nice to escape. i got to see tron. we all got hair cuts. mine looks really pretty,it frames my face and is fun to mess with.  we talked about our ex girl problems and our new girl and or guy in her sitch, situations. lol. i was suprised my mom let me out after my escapades from this past weekend. and they still dont know what went on. not that i care. moms finally gonna go to the good clinic to get her head fixed. lol. i know she sounds like an psycotic freak,somedays i think she is. but she loves me and so...i guess i cant be compleatly mad at her.

i kinda miss what it was like when i was five and even if i did something wrong she would scold me but then she would tell me that i shouldnt do it again and then make me feel better and i would go back to playing with my dolls and toys and such and every thing would be fine. i didnt have to worry about a job or how my life was gonna play out. it was simple. no worries, no pain, no hurting, no worries about school, no sleepless nights, no worries about if my love life will function, or new styles and trends.....but we all have to grow up sometime i guess

on a happier note. practice for my play im in was fun tonight. i missed rehersal time. there like my second family. they've been taking care of my happy ass for a while. and with some new additions of people its always growing and helping me find a stable place...lol. at practice we had to bring in some of our costume peices and i have alot of stuff. it filled the seat i was sitting in and the floor around me. two duffle bags worth.nice,right?... i drove my friend home after practice and got to meet her parents. that was and akward moment. very much so. but hopefully they like me. it seemed like it. i got invited to come back for dinner and stuff. so thats good in my book. hmmmmmm...i think i might introduce her to my friends this friday at the coffee shop. we'll see.

after practice was kickass. me and my bestie and her boyfriend all went to dennys. we go randomly late at night. its the practically the only thing open around here late besides mc'ds or bk or other fast food joints. and we can actually sit down. we were talking about tats and percings and other fun things and then my old friend walked in a we got to hang out with him. my gay boyfriend as we like to say. and im his gay girlfriend. it works well in the end. lol. we were joking around and the staff on the shift knows who we are and everything so we get to joke around with them. i missed going cause we hadnt been in a while. we ended up talking about everything. it was nice to catch up with everything. ( we might go panties shopping today!) so i had a wonderful evening.

for a interesting night, im glad i had it. i needed something new in my life. everythings been spiraling out of control and i finally feel like its spining back into place. so that makes me happy.

what are we all facing now a days. the changes in life get harder to decipher. im not sure how to change myself into what needs to be, but ill change in what ways i need for me. and well. that will just have to be good enough.

as the days keep passing we will see where this goes. who knows. it could be something wonderful.....

Lets take it from the top

so. where to begin.

i guess from the start ive never really though id make a blog. but here i am. typing to you people on the computer. hoping someone will pay attention. though something tells me its not exactly whats going to happen. well to start. right now im in a very lovely confusing time in my life.

i feel like misery is my name and my disposition.

i know, i know. i sound just like any other young aged person. my life sucks everythings going wrong. but i know its not. im just working on it

my family is trying to kick me out again.

i have a lovely complicated love life.

ok ok. i guess you deserve from the begining.

to start with. im not young. but im not old. i was born. i grew up. my parents and i have been struggling to get along with each other since i was 13.

once i turned 16 things took a turn for the worse. since then its been a compliant battle between us as to what will happen and an added get the hell out of my house for a while.

thats been entertaing as of late. both on christmas eve and new years eve i was about forced out of my household by my mother. whom i feel is becoming even more unstable from her migranes and such.

i am a girl. i am pretty much now on the discovering path to the fact that i am pretty much gay. ive come to terms with it and i love it.

my parents are a little more pissy about it. but dealing

anyways. lifes been fun. im looking for a job since college isnt an opption at the moment. which has been a fun trip. im also looking into getting an apartment soon.

i kinda like this girl alot, but im not sure where things will go. things have been complicated. especially with my family and brain and such what not. i care about her so. thats the main part.

i hardly every sleep anymore. i guess in laymens terms i have insomnia. but who knows.

well. i guess thats enough about whats been going on right now. ill write more later. anyways.

loves, misery